Naked Darkness Diva Psycho Bitch Joker Queen
Who the hell am I? I’m going to be honest. When I first started to write, I had absolutely no idea who I was. When I took a step back, I was the loyal supporting wife of a life-long struggling musician, a mom to two beautiful kids, a daughter, a friend…. All these versions of me was all I knew. Think in terms of a car. I knew my make but had no idea of my model.
My heart and soul were complete strangers to each other, and I realized that I only knew what I was to other people: a wife, a mom, a daughter, a friend. I had no identity. It was buried deep down under a pile of baggage and the worst part was, I didn’t even know the real me existed. I had never truly met her before so how could I?
So what changed?
Life broke me and I had nothing more to lose. So I said fuck it and did something without thinking about it. I wrote a story.
It took me a month to write my first story about Jules, a badass rollerblader who didn’t know what she had inside until the pain of life forced it out of her. It was so real to me. Her feelings, her dreams, her ambition…..
In that time, I met several strangers inside of me that I never knew existed. They were all important in my creative process, all having a distinct purpose not only in my stories, but in my ability to cope with all that life had thrown at me. These new women were parts of me, with some added badass flare. That night… when I started to write, I found the first stranger inside when I hit rock bottom.
Naked
This is the girl that only I will ever know because no one can crawl into my head and meet her.
She is honest with herself, accepting of every single part of me with no judgement. She doesn’t hide or lie to me, and she isn’t afraid of my thoughts and dreams. She freely expresses my emotions and accepts them, embraces them. If I want to cry for an hour till my sides hurt, my naked side opens when the time is right and lets me cry. She doesn’t care about my hair. She doesn’t care about my muffin top and wrinkles. She doesn’t care about the bells and whistles that decorate me and hide her from the world. She spews profanity and sings at the top of her lungs like no one is listening because she just… doesn’t… care.
No-one sees her anyways.
Naked is a rare breed and the purest part of me. She is the most vulnerable because there are no filters or guards to protect her. That is why she mostly exists at night and is also why she is the only part of me who can truly accept my dark side.
†Darkness†
She is a WHORE.
She is a LIAR.
She cannot be trusted and she would kill you in your sleep if she could get away with it.
†She is the holder of all my sins†
This side I will hide from everyone at all costs. She keeps the worst part of myself buried inside so I don’t see her, numbing my pain while allowing my deepest darkest thoughts to express themselves. Sometimes that protection comes at a price. But despite the cost, this part of Jules is necessary to allow me to visit my demons without retribution from others outside of myself.
†I am not proud of her because she is not a good person†
I have learned over the years how to control her and keep her at bay but she is not dead. She still forces her way through and I find that when she does come out, her thoughts are the worst part of me. She despises all that I am and feels I am not worthy of happiness.
†She is the preacher of all my failures and thrives off my weaknesses†
She holds my misery in the palm of her hand, and she is the author of my pain when I need it in my stories. She loves to flaunt her power, and it amazes me every single time how real the pain feels in the midst of expressing those dark emotions on paper. It is easy to get consumed, so when the pain of darkness needs to end, thankfully she is not strong enough to hold the others at bay. Some good always comes out, eliminating darkness so that I can shine again on the pages I write.
~Diva~
Diva is responsible for artistic expression which is a valuable source of great happiness in my life. Her eye for detail pays the bills and expresses my personal style by picking hair styles, dressing me up and painting my face.
~The fashionista~
Diva’s biggest passion is fashion, and we love touring flashy cities like my old home, Vegas, to explore the extravagant stores with their glamorous presentation of couture. The stores are like fashion museums. The works of art guarded by security as you admire them, dresses right off the runway at the palm of our hands. Magazines don’t compare to actually touching the extravagant fabrics, seeing the intricate details of embroidery and sequins in person.
I will never forget my first visit to Alexander McQueen’s store. He is a designer I worshiped specifically when he was alive and thriving. I remember the weight of a dress I picked up, the most expensive piece of clothing I had ever held in my hand. This dress was a work of art and one of a kind, hand sewn by someone who created their music with a needle and thread. They repeated a beautiful swirly pattern that turned into birds with bright beautiful tales, coming together to give almost a sparkly, paisley appeal. It cost about as much as my husband’s luxury truck, and I remember feeling insignificant because I, and everyone in that store, knew it was an extravagance that I would never be able to afford. Despite that moment of inadequacy, moments like this are my inspiration and feed Diva’s luxurious appetite.
~The designer of Jules~
She designs my style and forces me to open up and socialize with others. Self-control rules this Diva’s life most days but she earns a great living. She shines when she comes out to create some sassy, delicious character development in my stories. She gives my writing flare, and she will be the reason I don’t puss out. Her ego will force me to pursue publishing despite the insecurities that flood my brain with every query letter I write. I know this because Diva will push the send button.
⊕Psycho⊕
The line between sanity and insanity is very thin, and I walk that unstable line more often then I should. It cannot be helped, as this side of me is very selfish and will not be ignored. She comes and goes as she pleases, sometimes making an appearance for only a minute before retreating away inside myself until the next moment of her choosing. I try to control her, but she’s the sneakiest of personalities, coming out when I least expect her to in the form of egotistical judgement and dogmatic thinking.
⊕She is crazy, and I make no excuses⊕
Psycho will look down on you in a heartbeat, laugh at you when you fall, lie to your face and blame you for my mistakes. She knows a lot about nothing and selfishly takes risks without consequence. Psycho lives in the moment and the most important thing in life is personal gratification because Psycho…
⊕She cares for no-one more than me⊕
But surprisingly, despite all my faults, Psycho can actually be quite lovable and on good days, she makes witty comebacks, swears like a trucker and laughs like a socialite while hiding the knife at her side. Don’t be fooled by her charm though. Every moment she is ready to strike because ultimately, her only loyalty is to me.
♦Bitch♦
I once read an article from a female author who felt the label “bitch” was degrading to woman and didn’t use it. I’d agree with her if she were a dude. Its connotation will always be swayed negatively for men and is one of those words that only work amongst women. Men can’t use it because the first inclination is, he doesn’t like the woman he is referring to or he’s a douche.
It’s a bad word for a man to use. Bad So if a guy is reading this, this is an easy lesson in life. Just don’t use it. You’re welcome.
♦I, myself claim this word for many reasons♦
Anyone who is friends with me either accepts my trucker mouth lifestyle and loves me unconditionally or they are a true sister that joins in on the profanity-laced banter of life. I call my best girlfriends “my bitches” as a loving term of endearment. My bitches are my sisters. When referring to myself, it represents that I take no shit… Ever. The bitch gives me strength to confront without fear.
♦Her bravery is my armor♦
With that said, I introduce my inner bitch because she is a big presence in my stories and I find the need to clarify my use of the word.
The defender of all who reside inside me, she will protect all who are important to me at all costs. Her voice is powerful and her spirit is fierce, most cowering under the glare of her resting bitch face. Her silence will scare you into submission. Her presence, a force of nature that commands all who stand before her to pay attention. The power of debate gets her juices flowing and she can spin words like a black widow. Her survival is a natural instinct that allows her to move forward when most would fall. To challenge this bitch, you will leave feeling small and insignificant.
♦A true Leo, her emotions control her♦
When she is happy, she is as bright as the sun and when she’s sad, her broken heart cries like rain. And when she is angry…..watch out for the thunder because lightning is sure to follow. Once the blinding rage hits, any chance of a merciful ending is lost, so be careful BUT be excited because it can truly make for an explosive ending.
ΞJokerΞ
If I had a dollar for every time someone made fun of my Joker laugh, I would be writing on a cabana somewhere tropical with blue waters below me. Joker has what I call a heartfelt cackle that announces to everyone in the vicinity that I have entered the room. When I was younger, it was embarrassing, and I did my best to tone it down. When I grew up, Joker took over and embraced the power of my laugh because, well…..for one, it makes my jokes wa-ay funnier, and two, it makes it acceptable in society when I laugh at my own jokes. It’s almost like my laugh is part of the punchline and most people cannot resist laughing themselves.
ΞJoker’s sense of humor is mostly inappropriate banterΞ
Ξfilled with profanity and facial expressionsΞ
She’s known to not have much of a filter, which can get me into trouble when I am surrounded by people I don’t know. In situations such as surrounded by a bunch of engineering designers, they will appreciate how the joker in me can help them pass the time with my sporadic dick jokes, my ball-busting constructive criticisms, and rock and roll adventures from my youth….or last week….or last night.
Most importantly, all the funny people and all the funny moments who have influenced me to laugh are stored away as inspiration for all my joker moments, whether it’s writing a new character in a story or impressing an audience in the office.
ΞHumor has the capability to penetrate any human emotionΞ
Sad, mad, nervous, scared, serious…..it doesn’t matter. One of my favorite quotes is by Charlie Chaplin who says, “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” A smile can appear when you least expect it and the trick is to run with it. Let it win the moment because, never forget, a smile is contagious and the joker in me just loves to spread the wealth.
♥♥Queen♥♥
The best part of me. The Queen is the master of all that reside inside my head. She gets me up in the morning and forces me to take responsibility for my life. As the commanding voice inside my head, she keeps all others at bay when I must maintain an appearance of stability and strength.
When I’m sad, she helps me smile.
When I’m mad, she keeps me grounded.
When I’m hurt, she forces me to move on.
It’s important to understand that the queen is not one voice, but a quartet made up of four main roles, and every single one of them gives me a purpose in this life. Every single one of them motivates me to be a good person.
♥♥I am a daughter♥♥
♥♥I am a soul sister♥♥
♥♥I am a wife♥♥
♥♥I am a mom♥♥
They are the reason I exist in this life, all of them together teaching me the true value of love and respect. I do my very best to uphold these roles to the best of my abilities. I have fallen many times. Crashed and burned.
But I have survived those failures and overcome my deepest heartache. I experience humility by continuing to hold my head high in the face of all who judge me. I may not be perfect, but my integrity is unmatched and my loyalty is unyielding to those who are worthy.
Most importantly, I have grown into a woman who I can be proud of. With the help of Naked, Darkness, Psycho, Diva, Bitch, Joker and Queen….
I am me.
#IamJules